Could My Child Have a Mental Disability?

Let me just start by saying how wonderful and smart Hayden is. He is constantly amazing me. We went to parent-teacher conference for him yesterday and the teachers just go on and on about how smart he is. He can spell the names of every kid in his class when some of those kids don't even know how to spell their own. He's taught himself how to spell and write he last name, he is sounding out words and figuring out how to spell them and write them. He has an amazing imagination, and it is so fun to listen to all his stories or watch him build his creations. His coloring/drawing skills are at the top of his age group, as are his sentence structure and use of larger words. The teachers handed us a packet of information for us to take to the elementary school and sign him up for Kindergarten!  There is not a single area in his development that he is lagging in.... oh wait- except his still won't use the potty!

Hayden started showing interest in using the potty just before his 2nd birthday. "They" say the average age for potty-training is 2 1/2 so I entertained his interests, but did not push it. At the time he was struggling from and unknown cause of constipation, and I knew trying to potty train him at this stage wasn't the best idea. First we needed to focus on figuring out what was causing the constipation and how to get rid of it.

For an entire year, we were told there was nothing wrong with him, just give him more fiber. This kid was eating literally nothing but fiber for months on end. Whole grains, green veggies, prunes, pear juice, etc. It was getting really tiring hearing from friends to just give him a prune a day and it will all go away. Yeah right- not with this kid! We moved on to bigger and better fiber supplements. Our doctor had us try Benefiber since it didn't alter the taste or texture. We'd mix it with a high fiber fruit juice such as prune, apple, or pear. She said to increase the dosage until it helped, that too much couldn't hurt him. We eventually were giving him TWICE the ADULT dosage and still no change.

At this point we started trying to rule out any foods that his digestive system didn't like. None of the doctors thought this was the problem, because he'd be showing more signs than just constipation, but we thought we'd give it a try, because it couldn't hurt and we were getting desperate. We started with completely cutting out dairy for about a month, because his constipation issues started when we switched him from formula to whole cow's milk. After a month of being dairy free, there was no change at all. Then we started ruling out other foods, and starving him of his favorites that could be constipators, such as bananas. They kept telling us to give him more and more juice, but the problem kept getting worse. At one point we read that some kids have the opposite effect to fruits, so we cut out all fruits and juices. This was no easy task, seeing as at this point the kid was pretty much dependent upon having some juice in his sippy at all times of the day!

This went on for another year. We tried every bit of advice given to us, no matter how unlikely it sounded like it might help. Shortly before we moved he had a very bad episode of constipation so we took him in to an emergency pediatrician visit and were able to visit with a different doctor. She was stumped, but after much begging and pleading she did and internal exam and confirmed that he was very backed up. You think?! He hasn't pooped normal in 2 years!! She gave us some Rx strength Miralax, enough for about a month, and said that ought to do it.

Well, it didn't, but before I go on, let me share a bit of how bad Hayden's problem was at this point. He would go 4-5 days without having a bowel movement. Once he did, it would be so big and so hard that he tore every single time. He would be in extreme pain for the days in between each one. We were constantly holding him on our laps using all of our strength to hold his knees up to his chin. Sometimes we would sit with him in a warm bath doing this, to relax him. When he finally did go there was so much damage that he would cry and scream. It would take days to heal, so of course he would hold it in, causing the cycle to start all over again. FOR TWO YEARS. It was sad. It was painful to watch. It was messy. It was embarrassing. It was really annoying listening to everyone's "great" ideas that were sooooooo beyond not being helpful.

So at this point, we'd completely given up on potty training, because we knew there was no point while he was like this. We focused all of our efforts on figuring out this constipation issue. The doctor in San Antonio had given us a Rx to last a month, right before we moved up to Montana. The Rx really seemed to help. She said if by the time it was gone, if it had really helped, then we no longer needed to use it. Another month went by after the Rx was gone and everything was fine, until one day it started all over again. At this point it is right before his 3rd birthday. We took him in to a doctor immediately and were told he was so backed up, he'd need to take this Rx for at least 6 months, if not longer. The problem is, he HATES this stuff, and can immediately tell when it's mixed in to his drinks. Also, after taking it for a couple weeks he'd completely have the runs. She said DO NOT stop no matter how bad the runs get. This was all part of the process, and the runs were coming out, but all the backed up solids were not. So we kept at it for about 4-5 months then went to visit the doctor again, and he said he was tremendously better, and to give him a month or two break, then to start back up again for a few months. By then it should be all better.

And it was.

So at this point it is spring of last year, 2010. We now have another baby in diapers and we're still changing diapers on our 3 1/2 year old who is the size of a 5 year old. Not cool.

As soon as Dirk had a week off from school we ditched the diapers and started EVERY potty training technique and trick and method known to man. If you have a suggestion, yes we've already tried that.

Hayden's 4th birthday came and went. Still not potty trained. Trying to get him to use the potty has completely taken up all our time, has exhausted our patience, and has left us feeling desperate, helpless, and hopeless. For a while we thought he was manipulating us with our control issues, and now we are wondering if he has anxiety or other underlying psychological problems. We've talked to his doctor, his teachers, and now a therapist. We are hoping to get in to a child psychologist, seeing as beyond that, I can not see the future without diapers/pullups. I'm done. I'm beyond done. I don't ever want to do this again. It's not fair. It was caused some serious problems to our relationships and has been completely miserable beyond what words can describe.

The worst part of all this.... Ginny is now showing the exact same classic signs of constipation that Hayden did at her age, and we never did figure out what caused his in the first place.
Seriously. Seriously? How is this fair?